D. H. 1885-unknown

hey D.,

thanks for being there.  i didn’t know you went through some stuff too.  i mean, i’m not surprised since we all do.  but i didn’t know it happened around the same time as me, too.  i would have never guessed.  you gave me a lot of really good advice.  i was really confused regarding my feelings towards A.  i guess i was confused why i didn’t feel anything except confusion because i was sure that i would feel something eventually.  thanks for helping me sort that through.  i wish i could have been there for you.  we weren’t close at the time, and i don’t want to ask about stuff because i’m afraid of bringing back bad memories.  i feel like that’s the hardest part of any relationship.  knowing when to ask and when not to ask.  i feel like it’s almost always better to ask, but in reality i don’t follow my own advice.  i think it’s like we don’t want to hurt anyone, even if that hurt is pulling out splinters or cleaning up infected wounds.  yes there’s pain but there’s so much good, and we’re afraid that as they react to the disinfectant nature of just thinking through things with someone else by pulling away, they are shrinking away from us rather than just to the stinging of the past.  at the same time, we don’t want to be known as someone who brings up the past over and over, especially if the person has gotten over it.  but that’s stopped me from asking so many times, that i just blend into the people who don’t care, and i don’t want to be known for that.  i think i’d rather care too much than not at all.

i only have one sibling, a little sister, whom i love dearly.   i think we grew close because when we were younger we moved around a lot, and even when we didn’t have friends we had each other.  i don’t know what it’s like to have an older sibling, but i think you would be a good older brother.  i mean, you are withing your blood family, but specifically to me and Z., who you’re not related to.  you’ve been there for both of us, and through your false complaints about us which we both know is simply a facade by now, you really do care.  i don’t know how much gas money you’ve spent driving us around, or how much time you’ve been there to talk.  for me, it’s been a lot.  and i know you and Z. have been close much longer, so i imagine it’s been a great deal of time and energy and money.  i look up to you.  you’re not always the most comfortable person in large social gatherings so it was always easy to go be with you, since i’m not either.  the advice you give and the way you carry yourself and the way you treat others have taught me a lot.  i’m trying to be a better person and look out for others, and i think that you would be happy knowing that i learned it from you, but you would also be embarrassed.  i’ll never tell you in person, but i hope that subconsciously, you’ll recognize the little things.

i know we won’t be together much longer, and that you’ve got a lot of options and are considering many things in making the decisions regarding your future.  i hope that when you make your decision you will be free of any regret.  when presented with two good choices, sometimes it’s easy to wonder if the other would be better.  but i hope that you would just be so caught up in the joy of whatever your next step is in life that you forget to even wonder if you made the right choice.  also, me and Z. will probably make a roadtrip to visit you if you move away, so don’t worry about us not seeing you.  there’s probably lots of other who will come too, but we’ll probably be the most frequent.  i’m a little sad, but i’m happy too.  i know it’s called feeling bittersweet, but i’m in no way bitter, and i know that we’ll have a lot of time to spend together, so i can’t really be sad.

i think the word that best describes you is care.  whether that’s referring to caring or careful or any of the good words that start with care, you really personify them.  thanks for helping me and i can’t wait to learn from you.

affectionately yours.


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