E. A. 1843-1844

hey E.,

i wish i could bring myself to talk to you again.  we used to talk all the time.  i’d come over to your house a lot.  i’d always contact you first, so i’d know whether to go to church or to your house, the only two places you ever seemed to be.  you were always available for me.  you weren’t technically free, yet you always made time for me when i came.  i went through a break up, personal issues, unbelief, faith, what does it mean to believe in God, how should my life be changing, how to be a leader, what it means to help people, and so much more.  when i thought of you, i thought you were almost perfect.  the faithfulness you showed to your church and your wife and the people you were responsible for.  i hoped someday that i could do the same.

in the bible you taught me so much of, there’s a story of david and bathsheba.  from 2 samuel 11:1 kjv it says “And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that david sent joab, and his servants with him, and all israel; and they destroyed the children of ammon, and besieged rabbah. But david tarried still at jerusalem.”  the second verse talks about what david did while he was home, “And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon.”  you taught me that the reason david committed adultery was because he was in the wrong place because he was not doing what he was supposed to.  is that what happened to you?

i know nothing beyond what was told to the whole church.  i don’t know if this was a moment of weakness or a lifestyle for a while.  honestly, the fact that your wife forgave you was what shocked me the most.  you didn’t cheat on me and i still couldn’t forgive you.  maybe for a moment you lost who you were.  you forgot about the people that looked up to you, the people who depended on you, the people who expected great things from you.  in one moment, you decided that she was more important than your church was.  than your wife was.  than i was.

in a different part of the bible, in ecclesiastes, it says ”

 All things are full of labour; man cannot utter it: the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.

The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.

Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us.”

people always want more.  someone has done what you did before you.  someone will do what you have done after you.

why do we love? every single person we will ever love will let us down.  it’s not just because of some string of chemical rewards we receive for being with them.  if that was the case there would be more addicts than married people.  rather, it’s because we see the greatness in one another, the little sparks of life, the clay created in the image of divinity.  by loving again, it’s because i know that people can do wonderful things, but because they are imperfect, i can not expect perfection.

yet still.  i expect a little bit more.

i’m glad to see that you and your wife are still together.  i teared up a little when i saw all the anniversary posts.  i hope that despite all this you found yourself again.  i hope you know how important, how beautiful, the trust others place in you is.  you’re not the type of person to sit still.  i know that you’re using your time and energy to the best of your ability and even though we haven’t spoken for years, i just know that you’re going to use all this to help people again.  someday, i hope to talk to you.  i couldn’t speak to you the last time i saw you, when i said good bye.  i thought i was fine.  but i wasn’t.  and it took me a couple of years to fully realize this.  but i do now, and i’m working through it.  i bottled it down really far because i wanted to help other people going through the same thing that i’m going through now and didn’t want my emotions getting in the way.  someday, i want to see you, and we’ll talk.  someday.

affectionately yours.

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