J. B. 1864-1870

hey J.,

i like walking with you.  we’ve definitely taken the scenic route almost everywhere we go.  usually, i like to walk alone because it gives me time to think and to process things.  the first time we walked anywhere it was actually to the beach, but you were getting sick so you wanted to take the bus but i didn’t have my id card so you ended up paying for my bus ride, so i struggled to feed the wrinkled up dollar bill into the narrowest of slits and tossed in the quarters you gave me and we were off.  somehow, the simple act of putting money into a meter on a bus was the longest part of the whole trip.  i’d known you pretty well up until this point, but this was the first time i really got to know you as a person.  we got to the beach before anyone else showed up and just walked along on the concrete walkway covered in sand.  thank you for your honesty.  you’re a little ahead of me in life right now, and i’m sure some of my questions might have bothered you a little, but nothing was asked from any other motive than just to know what or how you were doing or dealing with things.  i’m glad to see your thought process and the care you have for other people.  i’m glad that you are willing to do things that are not the easiest for you just to have a positive impact on other people’s lives.  though i probably won’t see you much or at all this summer, even if i’m in the area, i’m happy for you.

it’s nice to have someone as spontaneous as me.  remember when we walked three miles to go study.  no one else would have been down.  it was a nice walk too.  when i went the next day i saw a snake and i hate snakes so our walk was definitely better.  i really like being alone.  i like to think and listen to music and just do things at my own pace.  i like to walk fast and take breaks to look around.  you walk a lot slower.  you don’t take breaks because you don’t need to since you’re not worried about missing anything.  and when we walk together, it was a little fast for you and a little slow for me, and we stopped a couple times just to look around, and we were kind of lost, but only kind of since we knew the direction we were going.  sometimes it’s nice not to be alone.  i used to think that i could only really process things by myself but that’s not true.  thank you.

it also meant a lot when we both talked about all the problems in our relationships that we had.  i was really encouraged by the maturity you showed in your decisions.  they were decisions that i know if i had made would have saved me a lot of time and trouble and heartbreak, but i wasn’t strong enough to make them.  it made me really happy so see the clarity you had about the whole situation.  i hope i was able to encourage you too.  i don’t know how crazy your relationship was but no matter how tame, there’s always some baggage.  i hope that all my processing and thinking and growing helped you or at least gave you hope or made you smile.  also, regarding A.  thanks for hearing me out and praying for me.  it meant a lot.  talking with C. and L. really helped too, and i think the three of you really helped me come to peace with it.  someday, when we both have time, we’ll walk to irvine.  until then we’ll have to make do with shorter distances and shorter talks.

affectionately yours.

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