M. M. 1837-1872

hey M.,

we haven’t spoken much.  but we definitely should.  you’re an interesting person.  i feel like i know a lot about you, but i don’t actually know you.  you know, for a while, i liked you.  well, actually, you probably don’t know because i never told you.  and i kind of hope you didn’t find out.  it’s pretty complicated, but only because we made it that way.  you see, you really helped me and i was really thankful and i really like you as a person, and besides you’re pretty cute, so i liked you.  but you know me.  i told you about all the people i haven’t forgiven yet, all the things i’m stressed about, how confused i am about my future, and my depression.  i’m not ready to be with anyone right now.  and that’s why i hope you never knew because i just needed to figure out me and you knowing that would just make life more confusing.  

and i’ve been thinking a lot more about us.  because we don’t really talk when we see each other.  i really don’t mind too much.  we’ve sent each other many lines and lines of text and i know the things you would say.  i just don’t know how you would say them.  and that’s why i feel like i don’t know you.  you’re like a character in a book to me.  a character that offers really good advice and really kind words, yet lacks any description as to who they really are other than an appearance.  but i’m still thankful for you.

i was having a conversation with my friend Y. about a conversation he had with someone else where i was asking him the same question he was asking that person. specifically, that question is, “how do i have relationships with people without taking from them.”  out of that came another question, regarding what being and doing good looks like.  he said, “our greatest good is about doing what’s right for the sake of righteousness, not for what we can get or our own happiness, but for the sake of goodness itself.”  and it made me think of you.

you see, i take a lot from you.  i’ve been really honest with you about the things i deal with and you’ve been so encouraging to me.  i feel like i just leech your joy away from you.  and whether i do or not you haven’t told me.  i guess i need to just grow as a person and really figure me out.  and once i know who i am, i’ll know both what i need and what i can give.  if i just give right now, i feel like it will only be out of some sort of obligation or duty and out of everything you’ve done for me, you don’t deserve that.  instead, let’s put a hold on whatever it is that i’m going to give you.  someday when you need something, whatever it is, i’ll be here for you, just like you were there for me.  i know you’re confused like me about what you want in life and what you want to do and who you want to be and where you want to go, and i hope you figure those things out, because if anyone deserves to, it’s you.  it’s going to be ok, i promise.  thank you so much.

affectionately yours.

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