C. R. 1869-1932

hey C.,

it’s amazing how quickly we can forget.  i mean, what is time really when you’re looking back?  time only exists when we feel it but once it’s gone it’s all the same.  when someone says they “lost eight years of my life” they didn’t lose anything.  they just wish they could have spent eight years doing something else.  i think that’s what people are most sad about.  sometimes i wish i could live multiple lives and do the same things in each except for a few different choices each time and just see where it led me.  every moment has its worth.  i don’t think we can be static.  even if i were to stay seated for a year in an empty room just staring at a wall, i could still learn something.  when we say we wasted time it’s not because we didn’t learn anything it’s because the things we learned we consider worthless.

i think it’s impossible to live without regrets.  at some point in my life i’m sure i will doubt every decision i’ve ever made at some point.  whether that’s the little things like staying up too late or drinking too much to other things like why did i spend so much time with them or why did my emo phase last so long? to use an old and overused metaphor, life is like a tapestry that we weave every moment we’re alive.  the choices we make represent the different colors and patterns.  when we’re in the middle of making something we can’t fully see the whole pattern unfold.  we don’t know what the finished product is going to look like.  and when we look back at different points in our lives we regret different things.  whether ex-girlfriends we regret or things we wish we never said, we take something away from those experiences.  because i know what depression is, i can help someone who doesn’t know how to process or function under it.

ultimately, what i’m trying to get at is everyone’s experience is valuable because everything can be used to help someone else.  the mistake in thinking something is worthless is because we think too much of ourselves.  and yeah, sometimes life is just terrible.  but even in that terribleness, being able to help just one person who is going through the same thing can make it feel worth something.

i’ve never been a victim of war or genocide.  i’ve never spent half my life in an office miserable with a job i hate.  there are plenty of other terrible things that people experience that deeply and sincerely hurt and i’ve never experienced these things and possibly never will.  but i think that the people in those situations who live the most fulfilling lives after or during those events are those that can look beyond it.

i think that looking back, everything feels a lot faster.  and that’s because in my mind time doesn’t exist in the past.  i can think about the time i rode a bike down a hill in indiana and then instantly think of the hotel i stayed in when we moved to california for the second time.  i travel years and distances faster than light.  the difficult things seem short, but so do the good things.  i’m not old, but i’ve heard old people say that the older you get, the faster time flies.  maybe they can just look back over more time.  and the more time you spend in your head, the less time you spend doing life.  so go live life.  it’s worth it, i promise.

affectionately yours.


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